What Do I Tell My Son?

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Are th ey ready?

Readers of my posts know Westborough Patch offers me the opportunity to do movie, restaurant and event reviews. You’ve come to know my opinions are freely provided, with the hopes of informing and engaging in conversation. Now, I need your help.

My 27 year old son gets married in two months and I don’t know what to say to him.

This topic has been on my mind for years….and I’m uncharacteristically speechless. In fact, the topic brings me to tears (for crying out loud (no pun intended), I’m sobbing as I write this.)

Let me be clear. This is NOT about his fiancé. She is a delightful person. I love her.

And, this is my son. My first born. The little guy. My Bud-Lee.

Kids don’t come with instruction manuals and when they were small I needed the nurturing advice

of the elders on what to do. Alas, the elders are all “gone.” Yikes, I’m the elder now. Ok, I have to wade into the water on this.

My parents told me, “Never go to bed mad at each other.” Well Mom and Dad, my sense is sometimes it’s best to get some rest and reengage the next day. Let a little distance put the conversation in perspective and “sleep on it.” Just don’t let it fester. OK, that’s one thing.

Years ago, I once attended a Sunrise Seminar at an NTL program in Maine where an instructor was also struggling with what to say to his marrying son. One thing stuck with me. “You’ll both evolve over time. Sometimes the person you are married to isn’t someone you would choose to be with. Give it time, they’ll evolve into someone new you want to be with. Rather than being married to one person, you’ll be married to many.” Somehow I like that. Another down.

Be kind to your kids. This is one I wish I was better at over time. While I worked a zillion hours building a career to produce an income where they could live comfortably, I often think I could have done a better job being there for them. Missing kid’s events for work, in retrospect, sucked. I tried to never miss an open house, but I can’t say I saw every practice/game/event. And bringing work tension home is never good. Ok, that’s three.

Somehow these don’t seem “deep” or insightful enough.

I am genuinely happy for my son and his fiancé. When he asked her parents for the “green light” to ask for her hand, they asked for grandkids. All good…..the beginning of their lives together, with little ones running around the house.

And so why am I sad? 

Is it because of my own failed relationships? A couple decade marriage ends in divorce with Mom, and another “live-together” relationship fails after a decade of on and off attempts?

Is it because I am trying to protect my little son (who at this writing is with his fiancé at a Comic book convention in San Diego?) from his own sadness? Am I just jaded?

The truth is, even with the downsides of some relationship, I would rather be in a relationship than not. I just don’t want to see him, or his new family, have pain. Perhaps the message is, “Work on your marriage. Work on your family.” 

And then there is making time for each other. OK, I suck at the whole work/life balance thing. Bud, strike a balance.

1.)   It’s ok to go to bed mad, just don’t stay mad.

2.)    You’ll be married to many people in your marriage. Embrace the change.

3.)    Be kind to your kids.

4.)   Work on your marriage. Work on your family.

5.)   Make time for each other. Strike a balance.

OK, I’m up to five. Darn, there must be other things. What are they? Please, I need help.

And to my son’s friends, who read Patch and are accustomed to posting things on Facebook, Google+ and Twitter, please keep this post between us. I still want him to think I have all the answers, even when I am clueless.