Do You Raise Grandchildren or Guide Them?

The text had a sense of urgency.

“Gary, I need a phone call to talk about parenting skills. Or grandparenting skills. It’s going to be a long hot summer.  Please let me know when you are available. THANKS!”

 The note came from a dear (former work) friend…someone who, generally speaking, had spent a great deal of time talking me off career ledges.  We quickly arranged a time via text and we spoke in the evening.

 “I really don’t know what to do.  I am having an issue with my grandchild who is visiting for the summer.”

 As someone who is generally calming influence, it was surprising she felt uncomfortable.  My mind started to race with what calamity she could be facing… drugs, pregnancy, undesirables, suicide, police….and my responses were already forming for each of these issues.  “How old is your grandchild?”

She kept talking without skipping a beat.  “She’s 12.  It is really getting bad.”

My friend was just talking out loud; she is not one embracing a dramatic tendency.  The build-up was concerning.  Teenagers are always tough.  I wasn’t sure where the conversation was going, and was concerned the salient point was so heinous my friend might not share it.  “Are you feeling threatened?”

“Oh goodness no.  She wants to be alone.”

Pause.  “She wants to be alone.  Is she sullen?  Self-destructive? Playing with matches?  Anything you would find concerning?”

“No, she just wants to be left alone.”

“Then leave her alone.”

Another pause.  “You mean I don’t need to raise her?”

At this point, we had a long winding discussion where my friend regained perspective.  Her grandchild was visiting for a couple months.  This was not a case of the grandmother having to raise the child on behalf of the parents.  Mom and Dad are still in the picture.

It’s the parents’ job to raise a child, and grandparents can provide child raising suggestions when asked (I find it’s better to offer suggestions when asked rather than a continual spewing of child raising advice.)

“Your grandchild should know you love her, care and support her….and if she needs a little alone time (provided you have no reasons for concern) then leave her alone.  You don’t need to be a super parent hovering every moment of every day…your granddaughter just wants some private time.  Of course, keep an eye on things in case there’s something at play we’re not aware of so you can intervene.”

In a couple days a follow up call was met with my old friend and her customary confidence.  “I let her be alone for about an hour and she came around for dinner.  We watched some TV together.  Since then, she’s been great.”

My friend also reinforced my belief a community can help with differing perspectives on raising a child…parents are not alone.   By reaching out and talking, a conversation was had on various approaches…making it better for both my friend and her grandchild.